From: Henry Cate Date: 12 Nov 86 10:13:56 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 1.F ******************************************************************************* There was some discussion of the mere possession of drug paraphenalia getting you in trouble with the Narks, and someone told a story about a pharmicist in England. Seems this gentleman was charged with violating the laws governing the production of alcohol simply because he happened to possess a still. So when this gentleman was presented in court he insisted in pleading guilty as charged, and please, yer honor, to rape as well. "To rape? Why do you plead guilty to rape?" "Well, yer honor, it's sure as 'ell I've got the right equipment!" ******************************************************************************* A blind man walks into a general store with his seeing eye dog. He mumbles a hello to the shop owner, who greets him back. A few minutes later, the shop owner hears a tremendous clattering and banging in the back of the store. He runs back to find the blind man swing his dog in the air by the leash. "What are you doing" The shop owner yells as things go crashing to the floor. The blind man replies calmly "Just browsing." ******************************************************************************* < The electronic funds transfer is in the electronic mail. . . . > A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn. So the hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house. A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There is a cow in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with cattle." So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi goes out. Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening the door they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with a pig!". Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the pig and the cow. "Surely you can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer." ******************************************************************************* Did you hear about the old guru who wouldn't allow the dentist to use any anesthetic on him? He wanted to transcend dental medication. PROVERB #1: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt. PROVERB #2: Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. ******************************************************************************* There were these two guys who worked together in Brooklyn, and got fired due to the economy, so they went down to apply for their unemployment checks. The first guy went in and was asked his occupation, to which he replied, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked it up and discovered that a panty stitcher was unskilled labor, so she gave the guy $500. The second guy went in and was asked his occupation, to which he said, "Diesel fitter." The clerk looked it up and discovered that diesel fitters were classified as skilled labor, so she gave him $1000. As they were walking out of the unemployment office, the second guy said, "What a great country...I'm out of work but I get a thousand bucks." The first guy was incensed! "Hey, how come I get $500 and you a grand?", he shouted, and they both headed back in to talk to the clerk. The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled labor and that diesel fitters were skilled labor. The first guy yelled out, "What skill? I sew the elastic on and he pulls on them and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' ******************************************************************************* Q. What do you call a hacker who has enough mass storage for his wants? A. Disk-contented. -- In the U.S.A. "Pass the honey, Honey". In the U.K. "Pass the sugar, Sugar". In Canada: "Pass the tea, bag". ******************************************************************************* A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," replied Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like. "In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave. "True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..." ******************************************************************************* a particular policy matter among his staff ( I think something about fund raising, etc...). Lincoln said that it reminded him of a drunkard that stumbled into a church out West. The whole congregation watched as the man made his wy to the front of the church. The drunkard joined in the praying and sing- ing, but when the preacher began the sermon, the drunkard fell dead asleep. During the sermon, the preacher yelled,"All those on the side of the Lord stand up!" and the whole congregation stood up, with the exception of the sleeping drunkard. The preacher continued, "All those on the side of the Devil stand up!" The congregation sat down, but the drunkard startled heard the stand up part and stood up. "Preacher, I'm not sure I understood what you just said, but I want you to know that I'm behind you on it, even though it sure looks as though we're in the minority!" ******************************************************************************* Lawyer Jokes...courtesy of NOLO Press (Berkeley) There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giradoux A small town that cannot support one lawyer can alwyas support two. There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge. "I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of character! - Michael Lara "There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'" - ibid Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. ******************************************************************************* A man is sitting at the beach apparently playing chess with a shaggy dog. A spectator walks by, just as the dog pushes a piece. He stops out of curiousity, and sure enough, the man moves a piece, and a little while later the dog moves again. Fascinated, the spectator watches several more moves, and finally bursts out, "This is amazing! Your dog is playing chess." "It's not so amazing," the man replies, "I can beat him two games out of three." One I recall involves a mouse that plays a toy piano, "but he only knows two tunes." ******************************************************************************* ANOTHER ONE: A man goes to his doctor for a physical. A week later, the doctor calls him with the results. "I've got some bad news and some very bad news. First, the bad news. You have an incurable disease, and I estimate you have 24 hours to live." The patient replies, "My God, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse?" The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday!" ******************************************************************************* This IBM service rep, hardware engineer, and software engineer were driving down the road one day and they had a flat. The service rep wanted to replace the car, the hardware engineer thought they could work around it, and the software engineer said 'maybe if we ignore it, it'll go away'. ******************************************************************************* The new employee walks into the Boss's office and nervously tells the Boss, "I have some good news and bad news, Sir" The Boss looks up and asks, "What is the good news, Tom?" "I promise such a thing will never happen again" How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb. What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A: A nervous wreck. ******************************************************************************* It seems that a young man who came from a wealthy family was going off to college. Now Dad, who was no slouch, knew that the young rascal would probably just use all his money to booze it up and go after the girls (since this is what he himself had done). In order to prevent this, he presented his son with a fur coat which contained nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine hairs. And he said to his son, he said "Son, I want you to have this coat, and to take very good care of it, because it contains 9,999,999 hairs. If there are still 9,999,999 hairs when you graduate from school in 4 years, I'll give you a million dollars and set you up in a job for life." Well, the son thought this sounded pretty good, so he took his Dad up on it. While he was a freshman, he counted the hairs twice a semester: 9,999,999 hairs each time. Over the summer he counted them again: 9,999,999 hairs. Sophomore year he counted those 9,999,999 hairs every month, and every month there were 9,999,999 hairs. Junior year, he was at it every week: 9,999,999 hairs. Week after week after week: 9,999,999 hairs. By senior year he was counting them every day: 9,999,999 hairs. Skipping classes for those 9,999,999 hairs. Well, by the time graduation rolled around, he felt like he'd counted those 9,999,999 hairs about 9,999,999 times, but he kept right on counting. As soon as he finished with those 9,999,999 hairs, he'd count them again: 9,999,999 hairs. On the night before graduation, he stayed up all night counting: 9,999,999 hairs. Finally the big day arrived, and Dad came to see junior. "Well, son, have you got those 9,999,999 hairs still intact?" asked the old man. "Yes, Dad, all 9,999,999 hairs are there!" So they started to count them together. And there were 9,999,998 hairs! The son couldn't believe it. They counted again: 9,999,998 hairs. And the son sat down and cried, his whole future shot (since he'd gotten straight D's from all the classes he'd skipped). And as the son was sitting there, a little moth flew out of the coat, the same moth who'd eaten that 9,999,999th hair. And the moth felt so bad about what he'd done that he started to cry too. Have you ever seen a moth bawl? ******************************************************************************* Three guys went out in their 4 wheel drive unit to go "shootn". While out they found a rabbit from one of the neighboring farms and caught it. They decided instead of "shootn" at it, they'd have some real fun. And so they tied a stick of dinamite to the little beastie and lit it. Well remember, this was a poor confused farm rabbit, so it immediately ran off and hid,... directly *under* their four wheel drive truck. *BOOM* and the four wheel drive truck suddenly turned into a Volkswagen Rabbit! ******************************************************************************* Teddy Roosevelt was about to speak at a Democratic convention. As he began, a heckler started shouting "I'm a Republican!". Well, T.R. ignores this fellow for a while, but finally, he gets to be too much to take. T.R.: "Pray tell, sir, what are your reasons for being a Republican?" HECKLER: "Well, my daddy was a Republican, and so was his daddy." T.R.: (Feeling very pleased that this jerk had given him such an opening) Well then sir, suppose your father and your father's father had been jackasses. What then would you be?" HECKLER: "A Democrat."