From: Henry Cate Date: 12 Nov 86 10:00:16 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 1.D ************************************************************************** One professor at school (an econ prof) had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were done at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The prof looked at him and said "don't bother to hand that paper in...you get a zero for continuing after the bell." The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!!" The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam" The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am???" The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are." With that, the guy said "good," plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other students exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!!! ************************************************************************** Once upon a time, there was a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer, and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The Dealer asks "why 'S'?" and the snail replies "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique oportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted (for a small fee). The snail get's his new car, and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!" ********************************************************************** What do they call two Mexicans playing Basketball together? Juan on Juan. ********************************************************************** A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his seeing eye dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light. First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them. After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the seeing eye dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck. The blind man responded "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him." ****************************************************************************** Two farmers where discussing who had the meanest dog. One who had a very mean looking Doberman insisted that his was the meanest and that it could lick any other dog in the county. The second just looked at his mangy old yellow dog and said that he would wager his against any dog in the country. Well after some animated discussion they finally decided to let the dogs fight it out. After a very short snarling match the old yellow dog leaps on the Doberman and kills it outright. The first farmer was aghast. His dog had been beating other dogs for years and had never had more than a small scratch or two. He turns to the other farmer and asks "What kind of dog did you say that was?" The first farmer replies "Well before he lost his tail we called him a Mountain Lion!" ****************************************************************************** A farmer down the road had a fairly large herd of cows and three bulls. Each bull keeping a strict eye on his portion of the cows. Well anyway a rumour comes around that the farmer is going to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the field discussing this. The first bull says "Well there's no way he's going to get any of my cows." The second bull agrees "Ya, I'm not giving up any he can wait till next year and get some of the new ones." The third bull who was a bit smaller says "Well I don't have as many as you guys so I'm not giving any up." Finally the new bull arrives. The first three gather at the edge of the field to watch him being unloaded from the trailor. To their consternation the biggest, meanest Brahma bull they have ever seen comes strolling down the ramp and glares at them. He's at least three times bigger than any of them. The first bull looks around nervously and says "Well now, I suppose it would be a neighbourly thing to give this guy some cows, I think I'll give him twenty of mine." The second bull says "Ya I guess so, I'll give him thirty of mine." They look over at the small bull. He's busy pawing the grass, snorting and shaking his head. They go over and ask him what he's doing and suggest that he should give up some cows to. He says "Yes I know, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!" ****************************************************************************** Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czeckoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and started to eat him alive (he didn't stay alive for long!). The other guy turned around and ran for his life. A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to to shoot. "I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! make up your mind!" said the ranger. "O.k.," said the other, "it was the male." The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man. "But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked. "Well," said the ranger, "I never trust anyone who says that the Czeck's in the male." :-) ****************************************************************************** An elderly gentleman was spending one of his leisurely afternoons at the museum. On this particular day, the museum was displaying some modern art by local artists. The man didn't think much of the so called "modern art" he had seen before, but he decided to at least give it a chance before he passed judgement on it. He approached a peculiar (to him anyway) painting which had caught his attention. He stopped and stared and pondered and stared some more and pondered and ...(you get the idea). Suddenly, the man burst into laughter. He was laughing so hard, everyone else in the museum turned to see what the clamor was about. It just so happened that the artist who painted the work of art saw what was happening and ran over to the elderly gentleman. The artist exclaimed, "Why are you laughing at my painting?! You don't know ANYTHING about modern art!!" The elderly man stopped laughing long enough to reply, "I don't know anything about laying eggs either, but I know a rotten one when I see it!" ****************************************************************************** One day, the Pope, Billy Graham, and President Benson, (current president of the Mormon Church,) were out fishing on a lake. The Pope says, "Oh dear! I forgot the can of worms." So he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to the pier, gets the can of worms, walks on the water back to the boat and gets in the boat. President Benson says, "I forgot the fishing tackle." So he gets out of the boat, walks on the water to the pier, gets the tackle, and walks back. Billy Graham, not to be outdone, says, "I forgot the pop." So he gets out of the boat and promply sinks into the water. The Pope turns to President Benson and says, "Should we show him where the rocks are?" And President Benson says, "What rocks?" ************************************************************************* President Benson, (president of the Mormon Church,) was visiting the Pope at the Vatican. While there, he asked the Pope if he could use his telephone to make a call to Heaven. The Pope said that he could. After President Benson was through, he went to the Pope and said, "I talked for six minutes. How much do I owe you for the long distance call?" The Pope named a price and President Benson paid. A few months later, the Pope was visiting President Benson in Salt Lake City. And while there, needed to make a call to Heaven. So he got permission from President Benson to use his phone. After the call, the Pope said to President Benson, "I talked for eight minutes. How much do I owe you for the call?" President Benson said, "Nothing. It's a local call." ******************************************************************************* I understand they found the last dead medfly in San Jose. The only problem is that 500,000 relatives are flying in for the funeral. ******************************************************************************* BUREAUCRACY: a method for tranforming energy into solid waste. ******************************************************************************* A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car being repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking, and the talk turned to their lines of work. "You know, doctor," the professor said, "I sometimes believe this type of work is complicated as the work we do." "Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it when the engine is running." ******************************************************************************* Three professionals were discussing the nature of God. The doctor said, "The Bible states that God made Woman by taking a rib out of Man; God is obviously a surgeon." The engineer replied, "But before God made man he created Heaven and Earth out of Chaos; this is obviously the work of a master eningeer. The lawyer just smiled and said, "But who do you think created the chaos?" ******************************************************************************* There was this animal trainer who had trained a gorilla to play golf. One day while he and his gorilla were out on the driving range, a promoter happened to be watching the gorilla consistently driving the ball over 400 yards every time he hit the ball. Excited by the prospects, he approachecd the trainer and after a few minutes of hurried bargaining, he bought the gorilla from the trainer. Not wanting to allow his investment to set idle, he called Arnold Palmer and arranged a match between Arnold and his gorilla, the winner to get $50,000 from the loser. The big day arrived and they met on the first tee. Arnold made a beautiful tee shot, a little over 300 yards, just a chip away from the green. The gorilla hit his usual 400 yards plus and landed on the green, about two feet from the cup. "Boy, am I in trouble", thought Arnold, but he chipped on and one putted for a birdie. The promoter handed his gorilla his putter, chuckling to himself about getting such a deal. Whereupon the gorilla walked over to his ball and hit it 400 yards. ******************************************************************************* A lawyer and a pope died on the same day, and both went to heaven. When the pope noticed that the lawyer had a larger mansion, he questioned Saint Peter about the allocation of rewards. The justification was "Well, we've had 265 popes up here, but this is the FIRST lawyer!" ******************************************************************************* One day at the Vatican, a papal aide rushes in to the Pope's office and says, "Your Holiness! Good news and bad news!" The Pope replies, "What's the good news?" "Jesus Christ is on the phone." "That's great news, what can be so bad?" "He's calling from Utah." ******************************************************************************* More you know you are in trouble when: You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. Your four year old tells you that its almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. Your car costs more to fill up that it did to buy. The bird singing outside of your window is a vulture. Airline food starts to taste good. You have to borrow from your Visa to pay off your MasterCard. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money. ******************************************************************************* A mormon bishop is out fishing when he comes across a big mean grizzly bear. He starts to run. After several hundred feet it's clear the bear is closing fast. So the bishop falls to his knees and prays. Atleast thirty seconds passed so he opens his eyes to find the bear also on his knees right behind the bishop. The bishop asks the bear "Are you mormon?" The bear looked surprised, "No, I'm just blessing my food."